My Losing List

Motivation wears off.

Now this is not a post about how everyone should be bathing daily - that is a whole different topic. ;)

During this week's Weight Watchers meetings, we are talking about creating a "Losing List." A losing list is a place for members to compile the reasons why they are looking to lose weight, create a healthy lifestyle or maintain the weight loss they already have.

The topic is wicked important to me. Since hitting goal in January 2012, I have found that I constantly need to remind myself why I lost the weight to begin with. Now it isn't because I really forget, but when I entered maintenance I found it more difficult than losing. I wasn't having the excitement of seeing a lower number on the scale each week.

I had to change my mindset. And with a new mindset came a new list of hurdles and a new level of motivation.

So I decided to create my own "Losing List."

1) Health - I didn't want to end up with high blood pressure, heart disease, etc.

2) Chairs - I wanted to comfortably fit in a chair with arms, airplane seats, movie theatre seats, etc.

3) Shopping - I wanted to be able to shop at "regular" clothing stores instead of the plus size stores.

4) Pants - I was tired of wearing sweatpants or pants that used a M-L-XL sizing chart just because I was avoiding seeing the actual size I had let myself reach ... which was a size 20.

5) Knees - I have knee pain (thanks genetics), but I learned that for every 1 lb I lost - it would relieve 3 lbs of pressure from my knees. Isn't that crazy?

6) Back - I had back surgery for a herniated disc midway through my weight loss journey and learned the more weight I kept off my back the better it was for my discs.

7) Stairs/Ramps - I was tired of getting winded by walking up stairs or trudging up the ramps at Wrigley Field during work.

8) My Wife - I wanted to start a healthy lifestyle so I would have a long future with my wife.

But to me, these are the easy answers. The ones that many people rattle off when starting a weight loss journey. But, I know in my heart of hearts there were deeper and truer reasons why I took that first step into Weight Watchers on November 2, 2009.

So here they are:

1) Self-Esteem - I HATED myself. I wanted to finally like - and over time learn to love - the person that I am.

2) Worth - I needed to prove to myself that I was WORTH making the change.

3) Eating Disorders - I wanted to prove to myself that I could lose weight and keep it off in a healthy manner. After battling two eating disorders for years, I knew there was a healthy way to lose weight.

4) Depression - Tired. I was so so tired of being unhappy with my outward appearance and the internal struggle I had to find the good inside myself. Which circles back to self-esteem.

5) Suicide - I hoped that as the weight began to disappear that the suicidal thoughts would do the same. I was so unhappy (see depression) for so long that the thoughts of suicide followed (especially in high school).

6) Hiding - I wanted to stop hiding behind my weight and start living!

Now, I didn't want to have so much of my self-worth tied to my weight, but it was. I thought that once the weight was gone I would be "cured," which I wasn't. But it has improved leaps and bounds.

Wow! Seeing all these things in writing really brings back the memories of how truly unhappy I was before embarking on this journey.

I can't always carry this list or blog post around with me so I need a physical object that can encapsulate the list. Weight Watchers calls these "anchors." I have more than one anchor - shocking! :P

One of my anchors is a tattoo. No I am not telling you you have to get yours tattooed on you too. ;)

Ancora Imparo is a Michelangelo saying in Italian which means: "I Am Still Learning."

This simple message helped easy my perfectionist mind deal with the ups and downs of a weight loss journey. I have it on my right wrist, which allows me to see it daily and touch it if I need an extra dose of motivation.

Will this list and anchor helped me through every single tough situation? No.

But that's why I have this list, this blog and this community - to pick me up when I need it.

***

What is your #1 reason for losing weight or embarking on a healthy lifestyle change?

Thanksgiving Day Cheat Sheet & Tips

With six days to go before Thanksgiving and with an influx of interest from social media, I am going to share the Weight Watchers Turkey Day Cheat Sheet that I have been handing out to my meetings over the past several days. I also added a few Hanukkah items on there as well at the bottom. Obviously it doesn’t have every candy available on there, but I think I covered the most popular items.

Feel free to click on the above list and print out your own copy

*Points values taken from WW eTools.

***

Here are some of the tips to navigate the dreaded the HoliDAY that my members came up with this week:

My #1 recommendation is to wear clothes that fit!! That's right friends - keep the sweatpants at home. I don't want to see anyone pulling a Joey from Friends and borrowing maternity pants from a friend for the day. ;)

*Ask yourself before each food or beverage choice: "Is it worth it?"

*Start the day right by eating a healthy breakfast.

*Use recipe builder to figure out Points values of homemade dishes!

*Eat something BEFORE you head to the event itself. Does it ever work out well when we try to "hoard" our Points until the event begins? Has showing up to an event ravenous ever ended well?

*Bring a "safe" dish, which will help set your space up for success.

*Get moving and earn those Activity Points - bank some before, earn some during and do damage control after the day!! Go for a walk or do a Turkey Trot the day of with friends and/or family.

*Allocate your 49 weekly points for those "must-have" holiday favorites.

*Keep the Weight Watchers Portion Estimator Quick Guide handy!! View it here!

*Do a drive-by of the food before filling your plate so you can devise a game plan.

*Load up half your plate with fruits/veggies.

• When wanting blueberry pie, load up a bowl with fresh blueberries and a tiny piece/bite of the actual blueberry pie.

*Leftovers. If you are hosting, load up on tupperware containers and send the food home with your guests. If you are a guest, politely decline the leftovers or take the healthier items home.

*Drink lots of water. If you need to make it more appealing, you can:

• Put it in a wine glass or a pint glass.
• Add a strawberry, mint leaf or a lime as a garnish.

*TRACK TRACK TRACK!

• Experiment with pre-tracking. Many holidays have many dishes you can expect to encounter so pre-tracking may help with temptations.
• Use the mobile app. Excuse yourself to go to the bathroom if you want to try to Track in privacy. ;)
• If you are unable to use your phone, snag a paper tracker from your meeting or use any scrap of paper to jot down the food as you go.
• Utilize the Snap&Track feature on your mobile app. So many people take pictures of their food and Instagram it anyway - you won't look out of place. :)

---If tracking seems overwhelming on Thanksgiving or just not something you will do, pick it up on Friday - make it mandatory on that day to get back on track!

*2 fun mantras that came out of some meetings:

• "Nobody ever died because they didn't have a dinner roll."
• "Did they really bring over mashed potatoes on the Mayflower? No? Then you can probably have those next week."

And last but certainly not least - remember the Weight Watchers BLTs!! For every Bite ... Lick ... or Taste, mark down 1 pt. Would having to do that stop some of the mindless snacking or unnecessary tasting while cooking?

***

If the day gets away from you then start fresh on Friday!! Each day is a new beginning.

Have a Happy Thanksgving! And remember:

"It's called THANKSgiving not EATgiving" - Melanie, WW Leader

Weight: A Sensitive Topic

"If you lose some more weight..." How many of us have heard that comment before?

<<Darts both arms up into the air>>

Obviously weight and weight-related issues are prevalent in my mind since I write about them. ;)

But why am I talking about it now?

Let me take you back to yesterday's visit to the doctor.

On Tuesday November 12 (my wedding anniversary), I headed to the doctor to get my foot checked out since I have been rocking some dull foot pain for a good 6 weeks now. Probably time to get it checked out, right? ;)

I sat on the ever so comfortable doctor's table/chair situation with that fancy sheet of paper fabric on it. The doctor came in - who I haven't seen since 2005 - came in to chat about my problems. I explained the foot pain, she checked out my feet, sat down, looked at me and said:

"If you lost some weight it would be better for your foot. Less pressure on it."

<<insert shocked face here>>

Inner monologue: But I weigh in the 150s which is in the middle of the healthy weight range for my height.

<<insert punch to the gut feeling here>>

Inner monologue: Do I not look as fit and healthy as I feel?

<<insert tiny emotional breakdown>>

Inner monologue: So I should start losing more weight ASAP.

Yes insert all that in about a 20 second period before I could respond: "Well I have shed 80 lbs."

She looks up at me over the rim of her glasses and says: "Well that is a good start."

<<insert open mouth shocked face>>

Inner monologue: Doesn't this lady understand how HUGE that is?

<<insert bigger punch to the gut feeling>>

I tried to focus on what she said about my foot and diagnosing me with metatarsalgia (overuse of my foot) and sending me to a podiatrist.

Since my mind was still on the weight comment, I calmly asked her to go back in my weight record since hey I went to this doctor's office since I was a little kiddie.

As we looked at the weight graph, I pointed out how she could see that I hadn't been in the 150s since 1995 ... when I was in 7th grade.

Her response: "Ahhh good job."

Ummm where's that bedside manner Doc?

I quickly gathered my things, grabbed my prescription and burst out the door.

What did I do next?

Had a mental fight with myself about what to do next: go eat a ton of food then throw it up, not eat anything for the rest of the day or go work out as much as possible since clearly I look much heavier than I thought.

But instead of doing all that, I went to my support: social media.

Thankfully between friends, family and social media, I was talked off the ledge about taking this doctor's comments so hard.

But, it really got me thinking, weight and weight issues are SUCH a sensitive subject that some people are completely oblivious to.

Wording ... delivery ... context.

Discussing weight with a stranger is one of the most sensitive topics I can imagine.

Since embarking on my own weight loss journey, I have become more aware of how discussing weight can impact a person.

I remember - before starting my weight loss journey - going to the gym and seeing the really fit/tiny girls on the treadmill and thinking: "They are so skinny. They don't have to be here" and really judging the people around me. I'll be honest - I did it.

Since starting the journey, I now look at that same person at the gym and wonder: "Have they always been fit? Do they have a story to share?"

No matter the person whether they have always been a healthy weight or they have been underweight or overweight - every person has a story.

Now when the topic of weight comes up in any context of my life, I try to be as careful as possible when figuring out how to word any comment I may want to make. Especially since I am a Weight Watchers Leader and part of so many people's journeys.

Because you really have NO idea what that person has gone through.

Looking at me now, people wouldn't know that I have fought to shed 80 pounds.

A stranger looking at me wouldn't know that I still work to recover from two eating disorders.

While lifting 3 lb weights at the gym, a fellow gym goer would be oblivious to the fact that I was in a car accident in the early 2000s that took a lot of strength from my left side.

So the next time the topic of weight comes up in your everyday life, just take a moment to think and choose words carefully.

Did I say anything to that doctor? No and I regret it. I wish I could've told her how much her words hurt and how instantaneously my mind went to a dark place.

Next time!

I Said I'd Do What?

What did I get my big mouth into? Recently I seem to ask myself that question on a now routine basis.

What do I mean?

For me this really relates to my fitness journey. Let's take a look shall we?

August 2012 Feat: I decide I want to run The Boston Marathon in 2013 with a charity team close to my heart: Tedy's Team (which raises $$ and awareness for the fight against Strokes).

Result: I raise over $5,000 for the American Stroke Association, I complete the Boston Marathon in 4:04:08 and my family and I make it safely without being hit by the explosions.

(Note: I will be running the 2014 Boston Marathon with Tedy's Team and I am psyched. You can Donate Here!)

December 2012 Feat: I ponder becoming a certified Spin Instructor, somehow trip over the online sign up site and book a certification class for March 2013.

Result: I nervously drive to Manchester, NH, take an all-day class, take the online test the next day, pass and get my certification!

(Note: I haven't found a way to make this dream a reality yet, but I am still trying!)

March 2013 Feat: I'm surfing Facebook, an ad for the Boston Triathlon (Sprint) catches my eye, I click the link to their website, I continue to click through, my credit card shows up in my hand and I register for my first triathlon for August 2013.

Result: On August 4, 2013, I load up my gear and my spectators, meet friends at the event, step wwwaaayyy out of my comfort zone and enjoy every step of the ride while completing my first Sprint triathlon in 1:24:58.6.

April 2013 Feat: After running the Walt Disney World Half Marathon in January 2013, I knew I had wanted to tackle the Goofy Challenge (Half Marathon followed next day by Full Marathon) for its 10th anniversary in 2015. But then a new challenge caught my eye ... the Dopey Challenge. The Dopey Challenge is 4 races in 4 days totaling 48.6 miles (5k, 10k, Half Marathon & Full Marathon). Again my credit card showed up in my hand and I was registered.

Result: Time will tell as this comes to light January 9-12, 2014!!

***

So what else did I say I would do?

Oohhh this next fitness feat started in June 2013 while I was attending Fitbloggin in Portland, Oregon. During a session entitled "Stop Keeping up with the Joneses," we were asked to introduce ourselves.

What I’d love to do as a way to get started, is to have everyone introduce yourself. We’re not a huge group, so just your name and your blog. I’d like you guys to say one weight loss or fitness goal that you’ve seen someone else do that you really wish you could do.

And in that room with my dear friend Sue (aka MrsFatAss) next to me I uttered:

Dani, Weight Off My Shoulders: There’s so many! I’d like to do a half ironman.

Yes thanks to live blogging at the session there is documented proof of what I said. :P

Once the session was over, I turned to Sue and said: "Why did I say that? Now I actually have to do it." Fear. Immediate fear.

But also something deep down in my heart was excited at the possibility. I, Dani, the ex-230 lb wallflower could possibly tackle a Half Ironman.

Now at this time, I hadn't even done one triathlon let alone thinking about a Half Ironman, which is 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike and 13.2 mile run ... all in a row!

The seed has been planted.

Once the first sprint triathlon was completed, the water was planted on the seed.

After the second sprint triathlon where I somehow placed 3rd in my division, the plant started to grow!

While vying for another Got Chocolate Milk Team Refuel sponsorship, I said how I would use the $500 prize to sign up for my first Half Ironman.

Which brings us to the present - October 2013.

I had a friend as well as one of my Weight Watchers members take part in the Pumpkinman Triathlon Festival in September 2013. The Pumpkinman Triathlon Festival is a Sprint Triathlon on the Saturday and a Half Ironman on the Sunday. Some people even take part in both. Say whhaaa?? I know.

They did nothing, but RAVE about the race, the swag, the organization and the scenery. It takes place in Southern Maine in the Fall. Hello? How could that not be beautiful.

On a whim, I reached out to the Pumpkinman social media team about partnering up for my first Half Ironman ...

... and they were all for it! YAY!!

So on Halloween, October 31, I officially registered for the Pumpkinman Half Ironman on September 7, 2014!! Ahhhh!

No going back now, right?

Right.

Especially since I have my official Got Chocolate Milk Team Refuel tri-kit to rock.

So now it is out there, official and will be my sole focus after finishing the 2014 Boston Marathon. Thankfully I now have a great triathlon training book recommended to me by NYCRunningMama so I will be starting to get a good base during the winter months.

It's never to early to start training, right?

***

Do you ever get yourself into a crazy commitment by opening your mouth? ;)

Dani Dishes 11-11-13

On this episode of Dani Dishes, I'm reliving one amazing week which included a trip to NYC for Weight Watchers photo shoot and impromptu wedding anniversary getaway, as well as, talking about tough part of so much traveling!

Am I Enough?

Well that answer was too easy. :P

***

I took and posted this picture the other day because I needed a reminder.

I am in fact enough.

I have talked before about the pattern of Keepin' Up With The Joneses. That DAMN comparison game that I don't think I'm the only person to fall into the trap.

What fascinates me is the spells in which I go through when it comes to wondering "Am I Enough?" There can be a good two-week stretch when I feel amazing. I am confident, secure and on top of the world.

Then there's the flip side. When I feel like I'm insignificant, that everything I do is wrong and that I should just go back to bed and hide in there with as much food as I could fit with me.

Wow! That is quite a difference.

But does anyone know what I'm talking about?

While in NYC, I was trying to think what caused this flip and I came up with one thing.

Rejection.

It could be from work ... friends ... family ... a blog opportunity ... other runners ... other weight loss success stories ... or even a stranger.

Once someone else questions my ability to be in a certain space with them, my insecurities take over my ENTIRE mind and body and I feel about 1 inch big.

At the Runner's World Shakeout run everyone in attendance that was at the run was either a Runner's World writer/editor/employee or a qualified runner - except me. Nothing like seeing the face of someone who is totally judging you.

Person: "Where did you qualify?" Me: "Oh I didn't. I have the pleasure and honor to run as a charity runner with Tedy's Team in honor of my Stroke Survivors - my grandparents." Person: <<confused face>> "Oh, well that's okay."

Hell yeah it's okay. It is a freakin' honor in my mind. I could feel it getting to me, but pushed those feelings away.

But when you get asked the same question over and over again you can't help, but let some little slip of doubt, of "should I even be here?" when you see the same reaction from people over and over again.

(Note: it wasn't everyone at the event. I really did meet some amazingly supportive folks that morning)

But that is just one instance where I saw rejection or people doubting my right to be at the event lead to the "Am I Enough?" inner debate.

I feel it sneak in whenever you apply for a job that went to someone else and you thought you were the PERFECT fit for it.

Or a friend you've known for a long time decides (without telling you) that the friendship is over. Ouch! I immediately go into "what did I do?", "what is wrong with me?" or "what could i have done?"

I see the pattern over and over and want it to end.

The trick for me to do that will be to obviously stop taking rejection so personally. Well that is kind of a "duh" moment.

What I think truly has to change is reminding myself that everything happens for a reason and knowing something better will happen.

I have to be me.

If someone doesn't want to be a part of my life then that is on them - not me.

If a company doesn't think I'm meeting their criteria for a job then something better is just waiting in the wings.

If a fellow weight loss success story looks down on me because I "only" lost 80 pounds then shame on them.

I have to be proud of the person I have become and accept what is outside of my control.

Because I am enough... and you are too!

In The Reflection...

"Avoid mirrors at all cost" My old mantra.

For years, I tried to avoid catching my profile in a storefront or in a mirror at a friend's house.

I didn't need to see what I already knew.

I was overweight. No no I was obese.

I could FEEL that in my bones. I didn't need a mirror to confirm that for me.

So for awhile I tried to just use a tiny mirror to put on makeup and that was about it.

I didn't even like catching my reflection in the doors of the Subway.

Ugh.

As I embarked on my weight loss journey of 2005/2006, I did so in an unhealthy way - eating disorders. But, as the compliments came in: "Oh keep doing whatever you are doing. You look great." The inner confidence rose and I started looking into the mirror a little more. The outside had changed, but the inside was still the same.

I still looked into the mirror and saw the 230 lb me. Even though I was 180 at the time.

As I got healthier and the weight crept back on - out went the mirrors.

Again I hid in my own self-hatred and self-abuse.

But when I joined Weight Watchers in November 2009, I wanted to lose the weight in a healthy way and really start to feel the changes on the inside as well.

As the weight came off, slow and steady, I again broke out the mirrors and started looking. Again the cycle started, ugh you need to lose weight, too many rolls, you have more to lose, etc.

But, then I started reflecting more. Someone told me once to really inspect what you saw in the mirror. So instead of glancing head to toe on my body, I would just stare back into my own eyes. THAT was the true way to see my soul. To see what was on the inside.

Once I started looking past the physical and into the mental, I started changing my habits. If the old knee jerk reaction kicked in of negativity talking about my body. I immediately changed the focus back to looking in my own eyes and I had to follow it up with a compliment.

For example:

"Oh those thighs are so fat" ... "Those thighs have taken you through x half marathons and y marathons"

"You are so wide" ... "I have excess skin from weight loss and I am working on toning it up"

"You still look like you weigh 235 lbs" ... ???

And that's the one. The comment that creeps back into my head on a regular basis.

When I have a bad food week, when I look at race photos or when I am just feeling down, I can look in the mirror and still see the "before" me. So how does one banish those images?

That is the magic question. Here is what helps me:

1) It begins with an internal conversation (like above) that has to happen.

I remind myself that: I am no longer that person. I have come too far to discredit myself. I am WORTHY of the happiness I feel at my current weight. 

2) I try to figure out what is really wrong. I am clearly manifesting something other issue/emotion/problem into thinking I am back to my before weight.

Maybe I overate the night before. Maybe I am upset that I didn't get a job I applied for. Maybe I am just sad.

(Remember it is okay to just feel emotions)

3) Reach out to a close personal friend/confidant. Someone that has been through the journey with me.

4) When all else fails take out that before picture. I always keep one on my phone or in my WW tracker.

And if all that fails ... reach out to me! I'll set that mind right for you! :)

Occasionally you need to hear it from someone else ... and that is okay!

Why does it take the brain so long to catch up with the physical weight loss?

Who knows?

But we just need to keep snapping it back to the present ... aka Reality!!

***

Do you experience this same problem? How do you bring yourself back to the real image in the mirror?

Dealing with your "Before" when you hit your "After"

Butterflies and unicorns and rainbows

Exactly how I envisioned life after hitting my "goal weight"!!

But that wasn't reality.

Shocking I know. ;)

I've written on my blog (Weight Off My Shoulders) how the day after hitting goal the inner demons I fought for so long were still there. Except now they weren't buried under all the weight. They were right in front of me, raw and ready to be dealt with.

***

For years, I told myself: "If you just lost 50 lbs you would be so happy and life would be okay." And I remember having that EXACT same discussion with my aunt when I was 12. I remember riding in her car after we left the mall and saying to her: "I need to lose 50 lbs." Okay so apparently the number 50 was relevant or I just pulled it out of my ass - I'm not sure which.

But over and over I said once I lost the weight I would like myself. I would be happy. I would be able to release the thoughts of hurting myself and the depression would go away.

In 2006, I hit the bottom of dealing with two eating disorders and cutting. I had found a way to "control" my weight and my emotions. I got to my lowest weight in the beginning of 2007 (at the time around 180) and thought everything was okay!

EEEHHHHHHHH!

Nope.

But after an intervention of sorts with friends, I stopped the cutting and tried to take a handle on the eating disorders, which led me to regain almost all the weight I had lost.

Reenter depression.

So I joined Weight Watchers in November 2009 and was ready to lose the weight in a healthy way.

And damn those WW people for not only helping me get a handle on the healthy eating aspect of weight loss, but for showing me that it is more of a mental game than anything. You have the change your thinking in order to make the weight stay off.

Sneaky WW very sneaky.

So through the journey, the confidence rose, the happiness level with myself increased, but at the core of it all I still OWNED negative self talk.

I will say that thankfully the suicidal thoughts deteriorated over the course of time. THAT in itself is a huge F-in win!! I had those thoughts since high school.

But as I hit goal on January 2012 and Lifetime in February 2012. The little voice in my head was still there. You aren't worthy of this new life - this new you. You still suck.

So it was at that point. As I become the "after" that it was time to dig through all the emotional gunk to truly find out how I let myself get to that miserable 230 lb person.

And that is the journey I am on now. There is no quick fix to find out what was at the core of the pain, but as long as I keep searching I will find answers.

For many of us, the true work of reaching goal is when the mental game catches up with the physical.

That is why I put more stock into the non-scale victories than the number on the scale itself. Because when I read 15X on the scale, I am thrilled, but now I know I didn't solve all my life's problems by losing XX lbs. I will solve life problems by looking inward and truly facing what is going on.

Depression ... cutting ... self-loathing. None of that is fun, but I need to face it if I want to beat it.

Many people can go to therapy and work through these issues with a third party. It isn't for me. I tried it and hated it. But for some reason sharing those same inner demons on this blog, I find that release. I find that the weight gets lifted off my shoulders.

So I continue to journey.

I continue to tackle with my "before" as I live in my "after"!

The Mundane Day-by-Day

Why write a blog? I get asked this question on an almost daily basis.

Why did I decide to start this small slice of the internet back in May of 2011?

Why share aspects of my life with complete strangers?

Because otherwise I may not be here today.

I let so much weigh down on me over the years. I buried it deep below. I was hurting myself both on the inside and out.

So I decided to release.

Now this blog has evolved over the years as I have.

I don't share every single weigh in. I don't share what I eat each day.

Because life has changed. Also I was tired of getting criticized for what I eat.

But I was sitting back searching through twitter the other day and hearing more and more people complain about many blogs today - all they do is push product or host giveaways.

Yes when I read these comments I immediately think people are talking about me ... about my baby blog.

Cuhlearly not everyone is talking about me, but I take it personally.

I share on my blog what I want. I love talking about the races I have participated in and the new products that may help people improve their own training.

I thought about trying to be one of the bloggers that can write everyday, but it is too much for me.

Plus, I am boring. ;)

My day-to-day life is pretty boring: workout of some sort, lead some Weight Watchers meetings and watch some Netflix.

Woo! Now THAT is one exciting life. Right?

I realized it's okay to share the mundane occasionally ... if that is what I want to write about.

In the end, what I share on this space is up to me. If people want to read it great. If not that's okay too.

I will not please everyone, but the most important person to think about is myself.

Dani Dishes 9-23-13

On this episode of Dani Dishes, it has simply been a week of excuses and it has to stop!!