Where's The Switch?

Instead of the Easy Button, I need a Mental Switch.

A mental switch for what you may ask?

Here's the situation that made me want to create such a device.

***

I was looking at recent race photos and just feeling blah. Yes I know race photos aren't always the most flattering photos and it doesn't help that it was about 7 degrees the day of the race so I was layered up enough to look like the marshmallow man.

But, I digress...

I was just feeling uninspired looking at the photos. Of course my first thoughts were: your thighs look huge, how many chins can one person have, etc. Now I know to immediately counter those with a positive. Which I was, hell yeah you rocked that 20-mile run, you were out there in 7 degree weather, you posted a sub 9 min/mile pace the entire time, etc. Oh and had fun!

But, I still couldn't shake the initial thoughts.

I am always my own worst critic - as many folks are. I try the self-love. I am working on it - truly.

So I was having these thoughts and texting with a friend - a fellow Weight Watchers Lifetime member/runner/triathlete - and I was lamenting the thoughts I was having.

Her response:

"Right there with you the negative thoughts but a little bit of something for you. I was looking at some of your recent pictures lately and I wished to myself that I was as skinny as you."

Wow! 

Reading those words: 1) shocked me because this friend is one of my Rock Star idols and 2) that she would see me in that light.

It made me ask:

WHY can't I have a mental switch that allows my brain to see a picture of me or situation I am in and only let me see it through a friend's eyes?

Now, I know it is a mental exercise I am working on, but in the meantime I would really like to just have a switch where it happens instantaneously.

Can anyone relate?

PS. Copyright this idea Dani Holmes-Kirk 2014. <<Just need to cover my bases>> ;)

#TransformationTuesday

2008 vs 2014

The difference in these pictures isn't about the pounds lost, but about the life gained!! The confidence, self-love & strength to leap outside my comfort zone can't be measured by the number on the scale!

I'm F*ckin' Perfect... I'm Me!

I feel as if the lyrics to Pink's song "F*ckin' Perfect" were written for me. I know I have mentioned it before, but I think each time I hear them it just resonates with me even more. The parts that really get me are: "Pretty, pretty please Don't you ever, ever feel Like your less than F*ckin' perfect. Pretty, pretty please If you ever, ever feel Like your nothing You're f*ckin' perfect to me.

You're so mean,  When you talk about yourself, You are wrong. Change the voices in your head Make them like you instead."

The second stanza in particular was me to a T. For so long, I was my own worst critic. I honestly am not sure what has switched inside my head, but all of a sudden over the last month I am FINALLY taking some PRIDE in what I have accomplished. I can't tell you what made the trigger go off, but it did.

---

But, as I thought about how on January 28, 2011, I went under the knife for major back surgery, and how much has changed since that moment...

* I took the wife's advice and started this blog ... three-year blog-aversary is May 26, 2014.

* I proceeded to rekindle my love of running - completing 14 races from June through December of that year - including a half marathon less than 8 months after surgery.

*I've completed 15 half marathons and 3 marathons since having a microdiscectomy on my back January 2011, where the doctor said I wouldn't be able to run again because of the strength lost in my left leg.

*I've been lucky enough to travel around the United States running in races and meeting amazing bloggers/social media friends along the way.

*Married my love on November 12, 2010. :)

* The wife and I took a vacation together that was longer than three days. We finally got to go on that Hawaiian honeymoon we wanted ... where I proceeded to wear a bathing suit ... IN PUBLIC!

* I was featured in a magazine article about my weight loss journey.

* I hit my original goal weight that I set on November 2, 2009 (Day One of Weight Watchers). I hit the NEW goal weight (155) that I set after hitting the first goal weight (164). :P

* We made the biggest decision of our life together to date and picked up and moved back to the East Coast in January 2012.

* I was chosen to work for Weight Watchers as a Leader and continue to pay forward everything they had given me.

* I hit LIFETIME status with Weight Watchers, which meant I hit my goal weight and maintained it for 6 weeks. Woo! I even got to live out my fantasy of having a Biggest Loser type moment by throwing confetti in the air! :)

*I've improved my 5k time from 38:21 to 21:59. I hit my first-ever sub 8 min/mile pace in March 2012 - 7 years after my 5k! :)

* I've raised over $11,000 for Tedy's Team and the Fight Against Stroke in honor of my Grandparents!

* I completed the Dopey Challenge in Disney - 4 races, 4 days, 48.6 miles!

*I wore a bikini in public, which I NEVER thought would happen.

* After starting the #plankaday program with a 30 second plank in 2011, my PR for a plank is now 5 minutes and 30 seconds.

* This blog's Facebook page is approaching 7,000 likes.

Wow, I cannot believe all of that awesome stuff has taken place in the last 14 months. After writing that out, how can I not be completely proud of myself. I have accomplished so much and have followed my heart in ways I could've never imagined.

---

Growing up I had zero confidence in myself, through this journey on Weight Watchers I have found a sense of outgoing confidence I never thought possible. Are there times (like this past weekend) when it fails me, sure, but deep down I still know that "I am STRONGER than I think I am!" Sometimes, I just need to repeat that to myself a few hundred times to get it to stick.

Because this journey has taught me that it is okay to be me because I am freakin' awesome! Each day I become a little more comfortable in my own skin because I have sooo much to be proud of.

---

So if you are ever having a down day, just know: you are freakin' perfect to me!!

In The Reflection...

"Avoid mirrors at all cost" My old mantra.

For years, I tried to avoid catching my profile in a storefront or in a mirror at a friend's house.

I didn't need to see what I already knew.

I was overweight. No no I was obese.

I could FEEL that in my bones. I didn't need a mirror to confirm that for me.

So for awhile I tried to just use a tiny mirror to put on makeup and that was about it.

I didn't even like catching my reflection in the doors of the Subway.

Ugh.

As I embarked on my weight loss journey of 2005/2006, I did so in an unhealthy way - eating disorders. But, as the compliments came in: "Oh keep doing whatever you are doing. You look great." The inner confidence rose and I started looking into the mirror a little more. The outside had changed, but the inside was still the same.

I still looked into the mirror and saw the 230 lb me. Even though I was 180 at the time.

As I got healthier and the weight crept back on - out went the mirrors.

Again I hid in my own self-hatred and self-abuse.

But when I joined Weight Watchers in November 2009, I wanted to lose the weight in a healthy way and really start to feel the changes on the inside as well.

As the weight came off, slow and steady, I again broke out the mirrors and started looking. Again the cycle started, ugh you need to lose weight, too many rolls, you have more to lose, etc.

But, then I started reflecting more. Someone told me once to really inspect what you saw in the mirror. So instead of glancing head to toe on my body, I would just stare back into my own eyes. THAT was the true way to see my soul. To see what was on the inside.

Once I started looking past the physical and into the mental, I started changing my habits. If the old knee jerk reaction kicked in of negativity talking about my body. I immediately changed the focus back to looking in my own eyes and I had to follow it up with a compliment.

For example:

"Oh those thighs are so fat" ... "Those thighs have taken you through x half marathons and y marathons"

"You are so wide" ... "I have excess skin from weight loss and I am working on toning it up"

"You still look like you weigh 235 lbs" ... ???

And that's the one. The comment that creeps back into my head on a regular basis.

When I have a bad food week, when I look at race photos or when I am just feeling down, I can look in the mirror and still see the "before" me. So how does one banish those images?

That is the magic question. Here is what helps me:

1) It begins with an internal conversation (like above) that has to happen.

I remind myself that: I am no longer that person. I have come too far to discredit myself. I am WORTHY of the happiness I feel at my current weight. 

2) I try to figure out what is really wrong. I am clearly manifesting something other issue/emotion/problem into thinking I am back to my before weight.

Maybe I overate the night before. Maybe I am upset that I didn't get a job I applied for. Maybe I am just sad.

(Remember it is okay to just feel emotions)

3) Reach out to a close personal friend/confidant. Someone that has been through the journey with me.

4) When all else fails take out that before picture. I always keep one on my phone or in my WW tracker.

And if all that fails ... reach out to me! I'll set that mind right for you! :)

Occasionally you need to hear it from someone else ... and that is okay!

Why does it take the brain so long to catch up with the physical weight loss?

Who knows?

But we just need to keep snapping it back to the present ... aka Reality!!

***

Do you experience this same problem? How do you bring yourself back to the real image in the mirror?

Mirror ... Mirror ...

For so many years I hid from the mirrors on the walls ... For so many years I hid from the photographs of everything ...

But that all changed - thanks to Weight Watchers!

I even mentioned this in my "Only Human" video for the latest Weight Watchers campaign, which you can check out here:

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When did it really dawn on me that things changed?

Why on Tuesday!

How?

Easy.

This past weekend the race director (Eddie) for the Cambridge 5k race series asked me to be one of the featured runners for the upcoming inaugural Freedom Run on May 26.

Ahhh someone wanted ME to be in a picture for their race!

Crazy.

Here are a couple of shots from the shoot:

I met Eddie at City Sports in Downtown Crossing and felt confident enough with myself to actually go through with it. Of course in my head, I had come up with reasons NOT to do it, but I wanted to prove to myself that I am changing for the better.

Being able to finally step in front of the camera or stopping to look at myself in the mirror is a huge leap forward for me.

I may not like everything that is looking back at me, but at least now I like myself enough to give myself the time of day.

For too long I hid from seeing what I had let myself become.

Now I am learning to embrace my body faults and all.

Vain.

Yes people call me vain for posting pictures of myself on my website/Twitter/Facebook page.

Full of myself.

Yes people tell me that I have changed and become someone who is full of themselves.

Boastful.

Yes people say they stop following me because I post too many pictures of how I look.

TO those people I say "your loss" - my blog/Facebook page/Twitter account etc are places where I share the highs and lows of weight loss and fitness journey.

IF you think I am vain or boastful, then you really don't read what I write or know me at all.

I am FAR from those things.

I am a girl working to accept my body faults and all.

I am PROUD that I can now take the step from behind the camera to the front of it.

I am HAPPY that by taking the time to look in the mirror I am now acknowledging that I am worthy enough to look at ...