Defying Gravity...

Normally when running, I just sing along to the musica internally since well ... I can't sing to save my life. It is painful for the people around me so I usually allow the inner voice - which of course sounds like Jennifer Hudson - to belt it out. However, there are those rare times when the path is empty, I'm in either a really BAD or really GOOD mood and I let myself BELT the music out outside of my head.

This generally only occurs when I am in a particularly horrible mood ... which unfortunately has been happening a lot lately.

SO what happened?

Well, last week I was having one of those off days so I secured my X-1 Audio swimming headset contraption to the back of my Team REFUEL visor and set out for a run.

I've only put three albums (are they still called that?) on my iPod shuffle inside the X-1 headset so far: Wicked, P!nk and Adele. Can you tell I was emotional when I selected these? ;)

Midway through the run one of my favorite songs from Wicked came on - Defying Gravity!

The song came on, the path was clear and I started BELTING this song at the top of my lungs. If anyone drove by me, I apologize for the noise. ;) Especially since I had the headphones in so I had NO IDEA how loud I was probably singing. :P

No matter my mood this song empowers me and it worked its magic again that day.

I'm through with playing by the rules Of someone else's game Too late for second-guessing Too late to go back to sleep It's time to trust my instincts Close my eyes: and leap!

It's time to try Defying gravity I think I'll try Defying gravity And you can't pull me down!

THIS! 1,000 times this. Singing this out loud reminded me why I started this crazy journey four years ago. This journey of shedding the weight, trying new things, starting to run ... it was all to break the rules OF MY OWN GAME.

It was time to take the leap and try! It was time to prove people wrong - that I could lose the weight, that I could become a runner, that I could change my life.

So when these moments of self-doubt or self-hatred creep into my mind, this lyrics are on a constant loop inside my head. And as always I'm singing them just as well as Kristin Chenoweth - obviously!

But, for me. The main person I am singing to is not a social media hater or an unsupportive friend ... but myself! I am the one that is constantly doubting my abilities.

So if you care to find me Look to the western sky! As someone told me lately: "Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly!" And if I'm flying solo At least I'm flying free To those who'd ground me Take a message back from me Tell them how I am Defying gravity I'm flying high Defying gravity

And the accomplishments I have started flooding through me: shedding 60+ lbs, completing 10 half marathons, running 3 marathons, trying classes like Hip Hop, Zumba or Yoga, putting myself out there through my blog, sharing experiences I never thought I would and constantly pushing myself out of my comfort zone.

So this week my goal is every time a negative thought about myself creeps in - I'm combating it with an accomplishment.

Nixing the negative baby!

I've made this promise before and attempt for awhile then fall back into old habits. But, the win is? At least I keep trying. At some point it has to stick, right?

***

Can you relate? Do you have an empowerment song?

Dani Dishes 6-17-13

In the latest Dani Dishes blog, I talk about a Case of the Blahs and knowing that emotions are okay!! I also had my weekend brightened by 1 awesome physical achievement and 1 huge Non-Scale Victory!! Product of the Week: Better 'n' Peanut Butter

Case of the Blahs...

Have you had those days? The days where it just seems like nothing is what you want?

The days where nothing seems to be going right?

I'm in that phase right now.

I don't like it. I hate it in fact. I much prefer being happy and loving life, but sometimes your emotions are out of your control!

But, I am working on it. That is all I can do.

Right?

It is a tough cycle. I have so much to be thankful for and when I feel down about life I feel guilty. How can I be upset when I have so much to appreciate and what do I really have to complain about.

But, as I've written before - we are all allowed to feel what we feel. Emotions are okay.

So I am allowing my brain to work through whatever it is that is going on inside.

Instead of shoving my feelings deep down with food or turning to hurting myself, I am feeling.

And what am I finding?

I'm ready to find my happy again. It is there in fleeting moments, but I am ready to get it back full-time.

So that means ... some serious reflection time on what I want out of life.

Can it be a 30-year old crisis? Maybe.

Either way I will get to the bottom of it!

For now, I will keep nixing my negatives with some positives!! Killing myself with kindness. :P

***

This ended up being some mind rambling, but I needed to put it out there - that is the point of the blog right?

How do you get over a case of the blahs? How do you find your happy?

The Aftermath Of Marathon Monday

On what should have been one of the happiest days of my life, my accomplishment of completing the Boston Marathon is marked with a smoky-fiery injury/death-filled asterisk. This isn't a race recap post. I'm not at a place to write that yet.

This will be a space for me to work through the myriad of emotions I felt on Monday.

Joy - however fleeting it was. It was there: as I waved to Tedy Bruschi & the rest of Tedy's Team cheering me on from the windows of The Lenox Hotel after passing Mile 26, as I caught a glimpse on my left of my wife and dad just before I crossed the Finish Line, as I actually stepped over that glorious yellow Finish Line and finally as I found my Mom on the other side of the Line.

Confusion - what was the noise (as my back was to the Line as I caught my breath)? Was it a celebratory cannon? I hadn’t been at the Finish Line since my dad ran 17 years ago.

Fear - as the explosions hit just a minute after I crossed that Finish Line, I immediately thought of my wife and dad ... Were they okay? Were they standing where it went off?

Anger - as people tried to flee the scene, they pushed past and over my Mom who was trying to walk with her cane to safety. I just started yelling at people to stop shoving and to be careful.

Relief - after a text from my wife saying she and my dad were okay and after a phone call to my dad telling him to collect my mom where I safely left her and we would all meet near the Commons.

Despair - as my phone died and I was wandering around Boylston St trying to figure out how I was going to reconnect with my family since we weren't able to find an exact meeting location.

Solace - in the sheer volume of first responders who whizzed past me on Boylston St (fire engines, police, etc) and in the volunteers that hugged me and let me borrow their cell phone to try and call my dad again.

(Also thank goodness I had my GoSportID bracelet on with his phone number on it!!) Panic - as I wandered down Newbury, alone and with no idea what would happen next. I also was starting to feel faint since I had nothing in my system besides Sport Beans and Swedish Fish.

Relief (again) - when I somehow ran into my friend Robin (who had finished the race 20 min before me) with her husband and friend. They were my beacon of hope. We found a set of stairs to sit on and Robin's husband found me snacks to eat (a Clif bar never tasted so good), Robin was able to text my wife our location and they stayed with me as we waited ... for what felt like years until my dad arrived!

Jubilation - at seeing and hugging my dad. As he helped me limp to meet my mom and wife, I just couldn't stop playing it over and over in my head. But then a huge teary-eyed hug from the wife was the best feeling. All 4 of us were safe and sound. Phew!

My panic level could finally start to drop!

But now 2 days later, I sit with the biggest emotion of all ...

GUILT!

It's because of me my wife had to write these blog posts (one & two).

It's because of me my family members are scarred by this too close experience of a terror attack.

It's because of me they were where they were.

How could I not feel that burden or carry that feeling?