Inner Thoughts: What If I Wasn't Here?
/One of the first things my therapist said to me in our initial session was “You are strong! To be able to function they way you do with the amount of negative self-talk, shows me how strong you are."
This statement took me aback. For one thing, I know the amount of negative thoughts I have in my head isn’t normal. But for anyone to think I am strong for pulling myself out of bed every day and not just tuck away from the world - was something I didn’t expect. I have basically talked myself into thinking what goes on in my head is completely normal, expected and allowed.
I really underestimate the amount I put my mental and physical body through.
It was in that moment that we knew we had to work on turning around those thoughts because the ability to get out of bed each day has been getting harder and harder.
But Dani haven’t you tried this before?
Yes I have but I was facing this alone. Not alone in the sense that my friends didn’t support me, but I only had myself in my accountability. So if I didn’t accomplish the goal (I refuse to say fail) then I wasn’t letting anyone down.
Through Weight Watchers, I learned quickly that once I hit my “goal weight,” that wouldn’t mean that my self-worth would just magically rise. Honestly I had held that in my heart for so long. I can remember being 12-14 years old and telling my aunt “if I lost 50 pounds, I’d be so much happier.” Oh young naive Dani - that wasn’t how it worked when that day would happen.
Self-esteem. Self-love. confidence has always been my achilles heel.
The Most Intrusive Thought?
In our first session she asked me to list out the thoughts that live loudest in my brain. Let me tell you that list was long and wicked negative.
One of the loudest and still reoccurs is: What If I Wasn’t Here?
TW: Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts
I’ve asked myself that question more times than I can count. I vividly remember looking out on to our backyard in high school and envisioning what life would be like if I wasn’t there.
My brain would tell me - the world would keep on spinning, not a single person would notice, there wouldn’t be a blip in a lot of people’s radars.
It would follow me like the little angel and devil on my shoulders, but both being a depressingly negative being. Each time I would try to quiet the voice, it would come back louder and stronger.
It made the thoughts of suicide feel valid. Why not? This voice is saying no one would notice anyway.
While I had amazing friends and family who intervened, the little voice hasn’t gone away.
Sometimes it is quieter than others, but it is there - waiting for me to feel vulnerable and weak to start repeating itself: Why bother? No one would notice. Just end it.
But at this moment in time my rational side is thankfully more resilient and can shout back to the voice: You DO want to be here. There ARE people that will be sad if you aren’t here. Keep fighting.
Will I get the negative voices to ever 100% leave? I am not sure. I’ve gotten so used to having them lurking, waiting for a moment of weakness to strike.
But I would welcome the brain space.
I would love to replace the lengthy list of negative thoughts over time with positive ones.
Here’s to trying and hoping that having my therapist steering me will finally make it happen…
