Feeling A Loss of Purpose
/I mean can anyone say the word purpose without thinking of the musical Avenue Q?
Or is that just me? From the silence I feel like it is me and a tiny subset of the rest of the world, but a happy little subset that I am happy to be a part of.
Where has my purpose gone?
Well I would love to tell you. What I can tell you in my burnt out, anxiety filled brain is that the 3 things I was holding on to as a major part of my identity for a number of years all disappeared within a 3 month period.
1. I ended my #RONARunStreak on 26 December, 2022 on Day 1000. This was a hard decision, but between my physical therapist and my body both telling me to stop - it was time. Like when the #WOMSStreak ended on Day 828, I wanted to be the decider not an injury. I am thrilled I was able to make it to Day 1000, which was something I always regretted when I ended the #WOMSStreak.
2. On 5 March, I finished the Tokyo Marathon, which was the final star (race) I needed in the Abbott World Majors challenge. For those that don’t know the 6-star challenge means you have completed all 6 of the World Major Marathons: Boston, Chicago, New York, London, Berlin and Tokyo. This challenge was a part of me for 10 years. Now I didn’t know it would be something I would really strive for until 2019 when I earned my 3rd star in Berlin and I realised I was half way there. Then it become a mission. But still something that took 10 years and a lot of hard work, sacrifice, tears, selfies & race lottery luck to make happen.
3. The final nail in this coffin was my retirement as one of the co-leaders of November Project Amsterdam. I stepped down on 29 March and that threw me for a serious loop. I knew it would be hard, but I had no idea how much it would impact my mental and emotional state.
With that emotional trifecta in place, let’s just say April 2023 was one of the darkest months I' have had in years.
Oh right I haven’t posted here consistently in years (which is a whole other side of my anxiety) that I should catch you up a little.
Probably since arriving in the Netherlands in January 2018, I have been dealing with burnout - mainly from work. I kept putting on my “I must just push through” attitude until October 2022 when I hit the peak of excessive burnout. I was following the Dutch guidelines on how to seek out help for burnout/extended sick leave. I will save that journey for another day, but needless to say I was left without any real help and facing another battle… finding a therapist on my own.
Please welcome another five month journey, but now in May - conveniently Mental Health Month - that I can FINALLY say I have found a therapist and had my first session with her last week (25 May).
Even just finally getting an appointment with her made me feel
Can you guess what I’ll say next?
… a weight off my shoulders!
I said that to her during the session and talked about this happy little slice of the internet, which I started on 26 May, 2011. That’s right folks another twist of fate that this site turned 12 just days ago and now I am writing here.
As one of the 4 pieces of homework I was given was to: write a blog post. It didn’t matter how long it was or what it was about. It was just to get back to the act of typing/talking/releasing.
With that very condensed back story in place we return to present day where I feel absolutely lost with what my next step will be.
What is my purpose?
It has changed over the years but at the core is helping, motivating and inspiring people. That feeling of making a difference is missing and I am not sure how or where to find that again.
But it is now my next adventure… so are you ready to hopefully be there along my side - virtually or physically?
Have you had to start over? Where did you pull inspiration?
