Truth Tuesday: I'm Fine!

Almost every day I feel like I can go from the highs of highs and sink to the lows of lows. 

My gut reaction when someone asks "How are you?" is to respond with a peppy "Awesome" or "Amazing."

But on certain days all I can muster is an "I'm Fine."

I'm Fine can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people and I think for me 9 times out of 10 it is...

It's so overwhelming and heavy when that feeling hits. That feeling of nothingness. 

I wish I could blink it away or just snap my fingers and have it disappear.

But it isn't the case. It is something I have worked through and dealt with since high school. 

Depression isn't a subject to be taken lightly. So when I feel the familiar pains, I try to prepare myself for what's coming.

Unlike the days of high school where I hid the pain and the suffering with a smile, I now allow myself to feel the feels. 

Because it's okay NOT to be okay!

It took me YEARS to learn and accept that.

For years, I thought if I disappeared no one would care or notice. Since then I have learned that is not the case, but the demons in my brain can keep making me try to believe that.

It becomes a battle between the level-headed me and the demons.

So I fight. 

The difference between the me in high school and the me now?

I want to keep fighting.

I know I deserve to be happy. 

I know people would miss me if I was gone.

So I tackle the daily battle because I know it is all inside my head.

I relish and celebrate the good days.

I coddle and hand hold the bad.

But either way I come out victorious because now I know the bad days will pass.

I just wish that some day the bad days would slink back into the darkness and leave my precious head alone.

I think if I keep working on it - it will.

Someday I can leave the words I'm Fine behind...